Death education is a happy place

I recently had the great pleasure to attend the 32nd annual conference for the Association for Death Education and Counseling (ADEC.org) in Kansas City, MO. Having never attended this conference, I was not sure what to expect. I thought some people might be a bit 'goth' and perhaps morose with a lot of black. (I didn't think too hard on the matter). What I actually found was an amazing gathering of people willing to open their hearts and talk about the big stuff. To be clear, it wasn't all "serious" conversations - there was a lot of laughter too. Not surprisingly, there were quite a few synchronicities and serendipitous moments. But before I get into those, I wanted to talk about the general feeling of openness and try to share the experience.

Robert Neimeyer, for those of you who are not into Thanatology (the study of dying, death and bereavement) is one of the significant researchers in the field. As a graduate student, I recognized his name as one that I saw a lot in my studies. When I saw him at the opening reception, I asked him if he would take a picture with me for me to send to my advisor to goad my advisor about who I was "hanging out with" at the conference.

Because I did not know Professor Neimeyer personally, it was a big risk to walk right up to a top scholar and ask for a moment of his time. Well, he was so gracious and so polite and when we took the picture, he had a genuine smile - not a forced pose like most people do when asked to take a picture with someone they don't know. The person who was trying to use my phone to take the picture struggled a bit with the design of the camera phone (Google, please fix this!) and the moment extended into several as we had to keep trying...and then the lighting was bad, so we tried a different angle. Still, every picture had that genuine smile. (I would love to share, but when I took the picture I did not mention the internet, so in respect to him I shall leave it out...). Later on that evening and early the next day, we kept passing each other. Each time he smiled, genuinely. I felt special to be acknowledged by someone as important as him.

For the keynote address the following day, the main room filled up quickly and I was told there were open seats up in front. (Most like to sit in the back so they can get out of the room quickly). I ended up sitting in the very front row. There was one empty seat next to me in a very full conference room, and who should walk up and inquire, but Professor Neimeyer. Now, I had already randomly run into him 3 or 4 times in the past day in a conference of 600 people, so it was quite amusing to me. I told him, "I swear, I'm not stalking you!"

The keynote was amazing - one of the best I have ever seen. He made us laugh, he made us cry. His name is Thomas Lynch and he is a former funeral director, essayist and poet. I should be embarrassed to admit this, but I had not heard of him prior to this event, so it was even more surprising and delightful to have been so thoroughly entertained. But here's what also struck me. Sitting next to me, Professor Neimeyer laughed heartily. Several times when he laughed, he looked around to watch other people laughing too. It was like he took great pleasure in other people's laughter as well. Now you may have seen studies about how we laugh more in a group, yada, yada, yada, but this was different. He actively looked around and took in the laughter of others. He turned to me while he was laughing to see if I was laughing too. It was very unique to me and I pondered it for several days. What does it mean? Why does he do that? What does it say about him?

Over the course of several days in having additional connections with a wide variety of attendees, I talked about my experience and observations and I found out that others had similar stories -the feeling of connectedness. Granted, Professor Neimeyer has been going to this conference for years and is a former president, but so many people had the same type of experience - a meaningful (if brief) interaction with this man who is one of the TOP of his field. I even heard a story about him in a Conga line at a conference in the early '90s. Let me remind you, he is a top scholar on DEATH and DYING and he is this super friendly, open, warm person who laughs heartily.

And in thinking about this man, I realized that he personified for me the experience from the whole event. Those who study death and dying are, in the words of Thomas Lynch, "in the deep end of the pool." We were all connected. No one there has had an easy life. One doesn't just "happen" into the field of death and dying and grief and loss... we're there because we know loss. Intimately. But once one knows loss, you process it, you think about it, you accept it, you are free. You are light. It's there. You understand that you could lose your husband or your wife or your mother or your father, your child or your best friend tomorrow. You could even die yourself. So today is an opportunity, a gift. What do we do with this gift? Do we treasure it? Do we open it, share it, devour it, dance with it? Absolutely.

Thank you God for giving me today.

Mirror Synchronicity: horoscope confirmation

Last week I talked about how my friend and I discovered that we weren't there for each other during rough times. Follow the Signs: Mirror Synchronicity: Go it "alone"

How strange then to read her horoscope by Susan Miller for the month of September which said in part:

Saturn tends to give a feeling of isolation, so if you feel others around you don't have a clue about how hard it's been for you - if they dismiss your suffering or fail to even see it - I sympathize, dear Virgo. This is how Saturn works, but there is method in his madness.

By temporarily taking away your usual sources of support you will learn new ways to develop and grow independently. Although Saturn's methods are extreme, he does get the results he is after - to make you stronger and more resourceful than you ever were before. Afterward you will feel as though you've become much more mature and seasoned. This is a month to drop any fantasies you have harbored and to see thing as they really are.

I think it's really cool that we came to the conclusion on our own, but this shows that maybe we were right!

P.S. Looks like September 2009 is going to be a rough month for everyone! Yikes!

Mirror Synchronicity: The downside of insight

Recently I was talking to a friend on the phone and she suddenly started sounding very angry. For me, it was out of the blue and I was surprised and a little hurt. I didn't know what I had done to deserve the tone that I was hearing. I asked her - "You sound angry" and she said that she was. She was irritated with me because she said I always had a negative outlook on things.

I actually think I am a very optimistic person, but I also believe in the philosophy "hope for the best but plan for the worst." Sometimes when people tell me things that they are planning, I can see things they haven't thought of but when I bring it up, they think that I'm being pessimistic.

Then last night another friend yelled at me because I made a comment about a fire pit. I am a red cross disaster responder and I see fires every day happen from really benign situations. Fire pits, cigarettes, stray lighters, mulch... but my friend was like "enough already with the fire stories!! We don't care!!" (rather mean too).

So with these two incidents happening within relatively close proximity to each other, I am getting the message that I need to adjust. I am grappling with my natural tendency to think three steps ahead and what that means for others when I offer unsolicited comments. I am not telling them what to do. I am not trying to stop them... I just think about consequences and outcomes more than other people... I know now that it's annoying but I know that it's going to be hard to stop. Any suggestions? Hopefully someone in the universe will read this post and help me. I certainly don't want to be annoying people. I'm really just trying to help (and yes, I know that they don't see it that way).

Directional Synchronicity: Modern Day Manners

Lately I have been lamenting that no one is returning my calls. I have multiple friends who normally are very good at social graces. Suddenly ALL of them are not calling me or writing me back. These are even people who don't know each other. I was starting to feel very alone and rejected. The coincidence of it all was just too much to take. Then it hit me. It's not about me. It's not about them. Right now, I have things I want to accomplish and I have not been focused. I have been procrastinating and using my friends to do it. Whenever I didn't feel like staying on task, I was calling friends to go out to lunch or dinner or just get together. The universe took my friends away from me temporarily so that I can get my work done this summer. It was a harsh way to do it, but I wasn't focusing on my own, so the universe decided to 'help me out a little bit'.

very funny. I get it.

Directional Synchronicity: Grandma speaks

(Also a mirror Synchronicity as well).

Last week my dad brought a CD over to my house with a recording my grandmother had made in November of 1976. It was a recording of messages that she wanted to pass on to her oldest grandchild (I am the youngest). My grandmother died in 1981, when I was a child and I barely remember her. This recording of her voice was so precious but what was even more amazing was the timing of it. She talked about reincarnation and karma and life lessons and I found it to be fascinating. Hanging on to the edge of every word I was so excited to hear that she wrote about her experience of working with Jesus on the cosmic side. I was already thinking to myself that I needed to find out if any of my family members had a copy of what she wrote and had learned.

Then, much to my surprise, she said that she had met a man with a PhD in Ministry who told her it was the most beautiful thing he had ever read and that she should publish it. She said, "I had no right to print it...each person must find these things out within themselves." ACK! I was disappointed. WHAT?! I'm not sure the writing even exists anymore. I was so disappointed.

Then a couple of days later, everything just HIT me. I GET it now. Just like she said on the recording where she was only explaining 1% of what she truly understood about reincarnation and lessons. THE LESSON IS that no one else can tell you what you even need to learn! Only you know!!! I started laughing uncontrollably. Once I wrapped my brain around it, I was tickled... I had been visiting psychics. I had been wanting to 'see' spirits... I was searching for something but it was there all along. No one else can give you the answers. The big question to ask yourself is "Why?" What am I meant to learn from this situation? Each day has a purpose.

I think sometimes it takes distance before we really figure it out. The easist way to start practicing is to review childhood events and what was significant about them. The good and the bad. Sometimes we learn more from our troubles. Actually I think more than sometimes...

Anyways - one of MY lessons from this big revelation was about this blog. I had been disappointed that my 'friends' weren't reading it. I realized that this blog is not for them. It's for whomever finds it. I hope that my sharing my thoughts and my lessons helps others to discover their own purpose and lessons.

Required Reading: Unfinished Business

James Van Praagh is one of my favorite of the nationally known psychics who write books. (I am also a big fan of Sonia Choquette). Mr. Van Praagh has an easy-going way about him and a conversational writing style. He seems like somone I would enjoy having tea with. The book is really all about making the most of each day now and living your life to it's fullest. I know that sounds kind of cheesy by my description but it really is a kick in the butt to stop thinking 'someday.... What I also really like about Mr Van Praagh is that he's humble and he admits that he still makes mistakes sometimes too. I can't say yet that it changed my life, but I do feel like since I've finished the book I have had a different outlook on life. It's the kind of book I can see myself picking up again once a year as a refresher.